I read it so you don't have to Twilight edition...FINALE part three

Instead of continuing to complain about Twilight, I've decided to try a different tactic for the last third of the book. I will simply provide a synopsis and let you make your own decisions about the shenanigans...

So Eddie and Bells are in love. As of the end of their 2nd 'date' (the first being him forcing her to eat dinner after he saved her from being raped) they have professed their undying love for each other. Bells is now Eddie's 'life'.

True story.

After professions of love come the meeting of the families. So Bells is chillin' with the 'good' vamps and they are going to go play a familial game of baseball. Only, they have super human power so they have to play during thunderstorms because...wait for it...when they hit the ball it sounds like thunder.

Some 'bad' vamps hear the game and head over. After some posturing they realize a human is with them. Bad vamps want to chomp on Bells and are amused that the good vamps are protective of her. This makes them want to chomp on her more.

This cues red alert time. Bells has to say really mean things to her dad to 1. provide a guise for running away to safety and 2. protect him by leaving. Because Bells is a giver. As you will soon see. Eddie and the 'dad' vamp are going to hunt the bad guy vamp while Bells is whisked away.

All goes well until Bells gets a call. A private call. From the bad vamp saying he has her mom and she has to sneak away and come meet him.

Bells, apparently thinking she is Jack Bauer, thinks this is a good idea. Before flouncing off to her death, she writes Eddie a letter begging him not to avenge her death. You know, cause she is sacrificing herself because we wouldn't want the immortal being to get hurt.

Bells meets up with the bad vamp, realizes he never had her mom and he proceeds to beat the crap out of her. In her childhood dance studio no less. There is NO line this vamp won't cross. Honestly, is nothing sacred?

Good vamps show up and kill bad vamp but OH NO bad vamp has chomped on Bells. Eddie then chomps on Bells to suck out the venom (did I forget to mention that vamps are venomous if they only partly chomps on you?) and oh also get a little bitty taste of Bells.

Bells recovers and proceeds to obsessively try to persuade Eddie to turn her into a vamp. Eddie declines and then tricks her into going to prom. Because even vampires love prom. The book closes on them trading quips about Bells becoming a vampire. Bells is pro. Eddie is con.

...

You can draw your own conclusion, but I will also give you mine. While I think the reading of the Twilight series is fine for teenagers who need something to read, I refuse to believe that any adult with half a brain could possibly shut Twilight and think that was a great story. Unless, of course, they want to live their lives as if they are 13.

Then by all means shut the book and close your eyes as you rest your head on your Eddie pillow.

"He called you pretty. That's practically an insult, the way you look right now. You're much more than beautiful."
Eddie to Bells, prom jealous vamp style

I read it so you don't have to Twilight edition...nicer part two

Pages 119 - 195.

I agree with the lovely Jabba in that I wanted so much to be wrong about Twilight. I wanted to read it and say ahhhh this is what everyone is all in a tizzy about. It allll makes sense now. I am saddened that I can't do that. Truly. Because I want people to read. I want them to enjoy reading. But there is a part of me that wants people to like reading worthy books.

And so, I will start with the positive aspects of Twilight as I see them 195 pages in. I can be nice, you know.

Twilight is a quick read. I don't mean quick simply because of its low reading level. I mean quick in the sense of plot timing. It is all look over here Bells is getting attacked no look over here Bells and Eddie are having dinner together no look over here Bells is manipulating a guy into telling her stuff no look over here Bells is having dreams about Eddie no look over here Bells is having petty school issues with her girlfriends.

So, while the activities might be ridiculous, I appreciate them being developed in quick succession.

The other positive aspect concerns spots of truth. I am one of those people who believes fiction can and quality fiction must reveal truth. I won't pretend there aren't aspects of truth Meyer conveys of adolescent life. I think we all remember being a little bit too enamored with someone we shouldn't have been. Were they a vampire? Probably not, but still.

There are also nice moments in the book. Are they wrapped in throw-up worthy conventions? Well, sure, but you can pick them out none the less.

Example: So apparently Eddie is super attractive and, let's say, influential to everyone he meets. And when I say everyone I mean women. Meyer writes a scene where waitresses are swooning all over the place, Bells is jealous, but Eddie only has eyes for her and doesn't notice. I've personally had that feeling, when someone looks at you and you are the only thing they see. It is nice. So at least if Bells is going to fall for a controlling blood sucker who ditches classes when it's sunny he isn't going to cheat on her.

Finally, I chuckled. I know. Crazy right? When Bells and Eddie are eating dinner, and when I say eating dinner I mean Eddie is creepily watching Bells eat dinner he says, "It's a bit easier to be around you when I'm not thirsty." Come ON. That is funny. It is easier to be around her when he is sated because then he doesn't want to CHOMP ON HER. Love in the making people.

Those are my positives.

I will leave my griping about the portrayal of gender rolls and the completely messed up fact that Eddie stalks Bells and she is flattered by it. Or that she says she isn't hungry he says she is she says she really isn't he says eat and she says OK. Or how Bells is apparently depressed and undercuts herself like ALL THE TIME even though she pretty much always gets what she wants like oh I am so inept at flirting that I just got this guy who I don't even like to divulge ancient family secrets, I'm just little old depressive insufficient me.

I'm not going to touch any of that right now.

"Stupid, unreliable vampire."
Bells

I read it so you don't have to Twilight edition...part one

I'm reading Twilight. I will not let it be said that I don't sacrifice for my love of reading and love of talking about reading. I am not a hypocrite. I will not continue to barrage a book I haven't read. Instead, I will read it to further deepen my arguments and thinking.

Now, before I give you my thoughts on pages 1-118 let me clarify my feelings. I do not hate this book simply because the masses like it. The Twilight series has gotten a lot of anti reading teenage girls reading. That is to be commended. The book makes my toenails curl because adults have hoped on the bandwagon. I want to pull out my hair because it is a mockery of all things awesomely vampire. I want to shout 'I am woman' because this book is so ridiculously patronizing of women. I want to sit down and cry because after all the love I have loved and lost it's the wrong messages about love that are in this book.

It can't be denied that the series is a cultural phenomenon. I just wish culture would latch onto something worthwhile for once.

Sigh.

Anyway, the first 118 pages have opened my eyes to many new things to dislike. Here is a play by play. Proceed at your own risk.

Bella is the new girl in school and within two days she has two guys who are like in love with her. Someone punch me in the face PLEASE. As a girl who has been the new girl in countless schools, you don't get paramours the first two days; you get lunchtime in a bathroom stall. Call me jealous. I guess they never said this book was realistic.

No way. The vampires go to high school. Seriously? What does a vampire want with high school? They go to class. They don't even bite people during passing periods. What kind of messed up vampire novel is this? Where is Buffy the vampire slayer when I need her?

Oh, don't worry, Bella doesn't like to talk, falls over everything, and is moody but is somehow popular. Right. Oh, and she is super smart. Faulkner? Totally read that. This lab? Totally have already done it. If that is true why the hell is she in these crap classes? Why aren't her parents talking to the counselors to get her into better classes?

Speaking of parents. Bells left her mom so she (the mom) could gallivant off with her new minor league baseball playing husband. Oh, and her dad is really busy being town sheriff. But don't worry, she sends emails to her mom and whips up dinners for her dad. You know, when she isn't swooning. So glad this novel provides good parental role models.

Let's get to why we are really here folks. The love story. That is what this is supposed to be right? A teen romance novel. Just like Romeo & Juliet, only sucky. So Eddie is pretty much in love with Bells the moment he sees her. Only he shows it by pushing her away. That actually rings true. I get that. What I don't get is the paradox of Bells needing saving like ALL THE TIME while also calling herself stupid for liking vampy Eddie. Oh and don't worry, Eddie tells Bells how incredibly bad he is for her (you know, because he can't seem to lie to her...sigh). Girlfriend just doesn't listen. Typical.

During a science class they test their blood types. Wow. Seriously? They actually prick their fingers and put blood drops on slides. Honestly? 1. law suit and 2. these vampires suck. They are in the same school (remember, they go to school like good little vampires, except when their feelings for certain ladies are too much to handle, then they ditch) and you are trying to tell me they didn't come to take advantage of an entire room of flowing blood?

Three people asked Bells to the Sadie Hawkins dance. That is where the girl asks the GUY to the dance. You are trying to tell me that not one, not two, but three high school boys couldn't wait for Bells to ask them to the dance to the point where each asked her? To her face? Are you kidding? Are we sure Bells isn't the one who sparkles in daylight?

There is fiction and there is fiiiiiction. The book is pretty much fantasy at this point. I want to punch Bells in the face and then show Eddie how to be a real vampire.

Thankfully, I am also reading Dracula: The Un-Dead. In that book, a duchess vampire just took a bath in the blood of a peasant she tortured.

Ball's in your court Eddie.

"We scowled at each other in silence. I was the first to speak, trying to keep myself focused. I was in danger of being distracted by his livid, glorious face. It was like trying to stare down a destroying angel."
Stephanie Meyer, Twilight